Reconstruct myself or learn acceptance

While I know my current situation is based on medical horror, I still feel responsible to fix it. I should be able to fix anything in my life, family, relationship. Even if it's not possible, I feel as though I am a complete failure as a husband, father, person.
The first step is to diagnosis the problem(s). This is always difficult and/or impossible to do. There are so many factors. There is cold hard facts, personal feelings, devils on shoulders and so on. So hopefully putting them all down in front of me can help me see the big picture.
     So we start with the facts. I've been married 12 years.I've been cheated on twice, once about 4 years ago and once about a year ago.
   My wife has had a hysterectomy less than a year ago. She struggles with her weight since then. she is depressed. She has no sex drive.
   So facts seem simple, feelings do not. Feelings say something is wrong with me. I'm un desirable, I'm unattractive, not sexy, not something. 5 years ago she would flirt. She would jump on me, straddle me on the couch, make out anywhere, jump in the shower with me, pull the car over for some fun. She has refered to all that as a fairy tale that only happens in movies and on tv. Even though we had it the first half of our marriage. I can almost accept that maybe its age. Old people dont make out, or have hot wild sex. Although when we decided for a brief moment to get a divorce, we had the hottest sex we had in a long long time. So is being commited what kills it? She has had her movie only fairy tale twice. With 2 separate guys at clubs. Hot dancing leads to hot sex in cars or hotel rooms. I ve tried to duplicate. I feel so akward dancing, but with my wife it is hot and an extreme turn on. But with me I feel as though I'm not the hot turn on that other guys are. No hot making out or sex follows. Car sex or bathroom sex would be inappropriate or gross. so it must be me? While I desire sex, I more desire being wanted.when we do make love, I feel like she is forcing herself to. Its laying in bed for 30 minutes then maybe reaching over to touch me and get things started. Which is awesome, sex is great, my wife is gorgeous and turns me on just by looking at her. But its never making out headed into the bedroom and undress eachother because she needs me then and now.its never we can't wait to get home. So am I the problem? Is it really a fairy tale.if so why did we have the fairy tale for so long. Why has she had the fairy tale recently without me. Obviously the hysterectomy plays into it. But we lost the fairy tale before that. I feel so selfish, wanting for me, when she is struggling so much. I know medically and emotionally she is broken. I want to fix it so bad, because I can't stand to see her hurting. And unfortunately I am emotionally broken too. So the question is reconstruct myself or accept. Reconstruct and lose weight, become a better dancer, get some muscles, and hopefully become desireable and so hot she can't help but to rip my clothes off. Or accept. Accept that nothing I can do can make her want me, we have out grown spontaneity, that medical reasons are the root of the problem, and that fairy tales no longer come true.
   un fortunately I always think I can fix things, therefore if I can't, I must be doing something wrong. Which of course makes me think I'm the problem. Therefore all I can do is cry and think of solutions. And I can't find the damn instruction manual.

Peace, Love, Happiness.......All From Hell?

Well what can I say other than wow. I have been through hell. They're correct when they say it is a fiery inferno. It burns.. It is the most painful thing anyone could ever imagine. But is it eternal? I don't think it is. While the embers are still hot to the touch, the flames have been completely extinguished. I am so happy and content with my life right now. My wife is the most beautiful caring soul in the world. I love her so much. Every day our love grows stronger. I truly ache anytime I am away from her. I wish i could spend every waking moment with her. Her smile warms me from the inside out. I know I am a completely different person than I used to be. The threat of loss changed me for the better. I know that every day I am still changing, learning new ways to express my emotions and feelings. Learning every day how to be a better husband and father. Learning how to share happiness with her. I know our love has always been good. It has at times been stressed. It has at times been stagnant. But it has always been good. But now It is great. And every day It becomes brighter and brighter. Everyone always has a general idea of what life could be when they are old and gray. But now it is so clear to me what life Will be like. I will have my lovely wife by my side. We will be smiling. We will still be madly in love. We will still send each other goofy text messages. We will as close to perfect as anyone could be. As for the past... It is just that. The past. I no longer feel pain. I no longer feel hurt. Memories still sting a bit, but at least they are ancient memories, and not current feelings. And even those are fading. I know memories never die. But remember that one time when you were riding your bike back in 1st or second grade and you fell off? Oh yeah I remember that. But I tell you what, I haven't thought about it forever. And soon hopefully this will be the same thing. Because now, Things are amazing. She is amazing. And while I still think of it sometimes, the recollections are further and further apart. And soon it will be like...You remember that one time...OHHHHH YEAH.... I haven't thought about that in years! lol. I love you Sarah. You really do make my world turn. I count the seconds till I am home in your arms. I miss you soo much when I'm gone. Love is grand.

KISS

Shock and trauma. The only excuses I have for my elaborate infatuation with a kiss. I have always loved the kiss. But recent shock and trauma has changed my view on the subject completely. A kiss is the most important thing in the universe. You can say anything with a kiss. You can make someone fall in love with a kiss. You can break someones heart with one as well. It can be sweet, sour, sloppy or neat. But to me, now, it is the purest way of letting someone know you care. A kiss on the forehead when you're down. A kiss on the cheek when you're upset. a kiss on the back of the hand while cuddling. A goodbye kiss when parting. All of these shows the other person that you care. And I care, so I kiss. A kiss should never be rushed, forgotten, or without meaning. To some people I am over-analyzing. To me, I am simply smitten, infatuated, longing, and truly, madly, deeply, in love. To have simple peck hurts. It shows that the other is rushed, and thought is not truly put in to it. similar to just going through the motions. To leave without a kiss breaks my heart. Nothing, to me, is more important than letting your loved one know how much you care before leaving. It could be the last time you see the person. It could make the difference between a happy or depressed day for the person. It could leave the person questioning purpose, jumping to incorrect conclusions, or just lost. This is just my wild opinion. It has no basis on fact. It means nothing. But to me, it means something. Show someone you care tonight. Give them a kiss.

Meaning In My Life

I love my wife! She is my best friend, my reason to breathe. I could not imagine life without her here. When we wake up in the morning i know that my whole day will be wonderfull, just because of that good morning kiss. She is so beautifull, so caring, understanding, and she is there for me when I need her. She is a wonderfull mother to our two beautifull children, and the perfect wife. She has the most beautifull eyes, a gorgeous smile, and every time i look at her my heart just melts. She is perfect and she makes me feel perfect. I love you Sarah. I love you so much. Always, and forever.

Friend Quest

I am lonely... I'm not exactly sure why. It's not because I am alone, because I am not. I have my wife who I enjoy and love spending every minute of every day with. I think it may be that I miss being a part of many diverse and seperate storys. I used to have many, many friends. And while some (most) were not the greatest friends, they still had their own unique story that I was somehow a part of. I miss the days when the phone could ring 50 times a day, and 50 different people needed help writing the next chapter in their story. Granted, I would never want things to be the way they were. I do not like who I used to be when I was a part of those stories. But I would like to reprise my character in as many stories as I could. I sit at home and listen to my wife talking on the phone with her many friends, and I realize that I'm jealous. Even when it's drama or friends that abuse her, at least she has substance to run off of. So I shall begin my quest for tales. I look to re write old chapters, add new characters, bring back cast-off characters in new roles, and write one heck of an epic.

Current Situation

Sometimes, somethings, make you stop and think. And sometimes you realize that you should have stopped to think quite some time ago. This seems to always be the case when things are not working out for the best. Nobody ever stops to think when things are going great (or so they think). So it seems to me that we would all be better off to stop and think frequently. Even if things ARE going great. It may just turn out that we THINK things are going great. Such is my advice, and i believe i shall start to follow it

I made a decision 6 years ago to invest in the future well being of my family. The basis of this plan was to manage a business that I could one day buy. While meeting the initial goal was easily done, the long term costs were not taken into account. Managing a business is not a easy task. It is a very demanding lifestyle. Always on call, long hours, employee no-shows etc etc. But the major offsetting factor of all this hard work was the fact that my family was taken care of. Food was on the table, bills were paid, my responsibilities as a husband and father met. Unfortunately monetary support is not the sole responsibility of a husband and father. Over time work became more demanding. Time with the children and wife, less and less. My children started questioning my priorities. My wife started questioning her love. Finally it all broke. My wife was ready to leave. The kids would go too. All that would be left was the job. The only purpose of the job was to provide. Therefore the job would have no purpose. So, I stopped to think. Better late than never, but, none the less, it was almost too late. Money is not the most important thing a family needs. Being a family is THE most important thing. I still manage the business. But that is short-lived. Days off are now just that. No more phone calls, no more unfinished business. Family comes first. Every day I now stop, and think. I think about how much I love my wife. I think about how great my children are. I think about the future. We will embark on many great journeys through life. Our next journey begins in about a year and a half. We will leave the life we know, and return to the city. We will find new jobs, new friends, new experiences. But one thing will always remain the same. Family comes first. I will ALWAYS be there, fulfilling my task of providing for my family. Providing a father for my children. Providing a husband for my wife. THAT is what is important in life. That and stopping to think.